Home Alone DIY

Several days ago my wonderful wife, Sarah, decided to take a trip to see her parents and show off our wonderful and always growing baby.  Although I'm supportive of her seeing her family, there were some certain nagging questions I had ringing through my head. 
1. Who's going to feed me?
2. Who will wash the dishes?
3. What about all the dirty laundry?  And of course, the follow-up, does this mean I have to begin rationing down my sock/underwear use from 2-3 a day down to just one? 
To fully understand my concerns I have to give you a little background first.  Sarah and I have been married for close to 4 wonderful years; all of which she has done most of the cooking (not to include the odd microwaved cheese and cracker snack covered in ranch dressing, or the peanut butter/jelly taco wrap).  Before Sarah I was at VMI - no kitchens/refrigerators/microwaves and a full service dining/laundry facility. 
Well men, there are a couple of things a real man does to prepare himself for such a survival situation as this.  You have to make rules.
Rule 1. Absolutely no dishes.  This prevents you from having to wash dishes (duh).
Rule 2. Automatically assume you will be re-wearing some of your dirty clothes... several times.
Rule 3. Expect good food... but be ready to settle for hot dogs...
Let's start with rule 2 first.  This is a great DIY laundry service that can work in any home with a bathtub.  Don't worry men... I took pictures so you can't mess this up!
Step 1: Shampoo probably does the same thing as laundry detergent.  Any of your wife's shampoo will probably work, but I don't think conditioner makes as many suds.  Remember the dawn commercials: Suds = clean.

Step 2: Fill the bathtub with warm water and add shampoo.  I used Sarah's Pantene PRO-V  for Curly Hair.  Remember: Suds = clean.

Step 3: Dump clothes into bathtub.  Try to use the 3-4 day old clothes... they might take a while to dry and you'll need to re-wear your underwear from today.

Step 4: After about an hour or so... you can time it by different episodes coming on the TV, drain the bath tub and leave the clothes.  They'll dry eventually. 

Don't worry... you can thank me later.
Lets move onto the food.  You might say: "But Thane, if I don't use any dishes, how will I cook anything?!"
The answer, my friend, is paper towels... as the pictures show; not only is it oven friendly, but you'll also get a nice charbroiled look on whatever you try to cook.
Start by pre-heating the oven to 350.  In this case I wanted to make a piece of bread. 
Next place the bread on a paper towel and put in the oven.  Go back to your TV show and get it in 5 minutes. 

Do you see how tasty and charbroiled it looks?
Next, you'll want your food to look happy.  Remember, the happier your food looks, the happier you'll be eating it.  I put smiley faces on my buns using ketchup. 

Notice whats under them?  That's right!  A paper towel!
For the sake of this blog... any my wife, I wont show you how I cooked the turkey burgers... but lets just say I fell back to rule number 3:  always be prepared to eat hot dogs!


Anonymous said...

Hi Thane, long time reader first time commenter. I found your information extremely useful and descriptive. I recently was put in this position and quickly realized it is paramount that my wife shop prior to leaving. When I ran out of baked beans to eat out of a pan over my sink I virtually starved. Your survival tips will help many men in the future

Whitney said...

Dear Thane,

I was put in this situation recently when Whitney and Isla went to Illinois for 10 days. Not only did you forget a man's best friend but the most important of ALL the kitchen utensils....the pocket knife. I would like to share with you my tips and steps for creating a successful, wifeless dining experience:
Step 1: Sanitize Knife- this is done by passing both sides across the always clean thigh. Be sure to wipe both sides...if there is a build up of the previous meals leftovers/car maintenance debris, run knife through wash aka your mouth.
Step 2: Stab Beef...toss in pan...flip when brown...repeat
Step 3: Eat!! This is where the pocket knife really shines. Not only can you cut your food BUT you can also feed yourself without changing utensils.
Step 4: Clean up- repeat Step 1

A helpful tip to save on water is to WEAR your clothes while taking a shower. use the same smell-good shampoo (I agree..the more suds the cleaner) because I honestly am not even sure what conditioner is for..slick and slimy. You kill 2 birds with 1 stone. A clean shower for yourself and tomorrows clothes nice, washed and wrinkle free. Environmently friendly my friend.

Dusty (a fellow survivor)

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